Men hunt because it’s the last socially acceptable activity that allows them to both get away from their wife, and kill something at the same time, other than said wife. Another popular reason guys hunt is “I dunno, just cuz.” I’m not saying people shouldn’t hunt, I’m just saying that it’s a stupid waste of time.

A lot of people say they hunt for food, not realizing that food isn’t something you hunt, it’s something you buy at a grocery store. If food was something that needed to be hunted, then one could say that I go hunting all the time, even during the off-season. Indeed, I did go on one hunting trip when I was kid with my friend Mike, which I considered to be pretty successful, though the owner of the bird-feeder seemed to think otherwise. Nevertheless, this was enough inspiration for me to spend the remainder of my life not killing for sport, and I’m thankful for the many hours of my life this has saved me. My purpose for writing then, is to offer up a few pointers (eight to twelve to be exact, and to make it worthwhile) that you may wish to consider if you have not already when you go hunting for yourself.

First, I start by hunting for a good coupon (not really…this is also a waste of time). Mom says that $1.99 for a pound of chicken breast is pretty good, so that’s a good starting point. Once I decide what I want which, in this case is chicken, I start thinking about where I’ll go. I search for the supermarket with the biggest rack – clearance rack, that is (aka manager special), and then I get into my car and drive there. I know it doesn’t sound exotic so in order to spice it up, I listen to the same CD repeatedly on high volume, and it keeps me entertained. You might even say that it’s more interesting than staring at a tree for nine hours, which is what happens when you go hunting in the woods and not the quick, easy way.

Once I choose the appropriate venue, which usually happens to be the supermarket closest to where I live, I go there and circle the aisles, methodically stalking my prey, which almost always can be found in a cooler at the back of the store next to the lobsters. Once I find what I’m looking for which, in this case is chicken drumsticks, and have it literally in the palm of my hands, I pull the trigger by tossing it into my cart before proceeding to the nearest cash register where I’m greeted by a nice young man and/or woman who is waiting to ask me if I found everything okay. Sometimes before I proceed to the checkout I stare at the lobster tank and think to myself what a sick man the butcher is for allowing this blatant charade of animal to cruelty without question. When I stare at him he just smiles and says hello, and I move on without incident. At the register, they scan my shit, and if one of the items is too big and doesn’t fit in a bag or if it’s a candy bar or something that I want to eat right away, it gets tagged with a “PAID” sticker. Unlike the woods, there is no limit to the number of items you can have tagged at the supermarket, which is another perk to hunting in the 21st century.

One of my favorite things to hunt in the supermarket is bacon. It’s delicious, and you can do a lot of things with it, like put it in a bacon stretcher or on a sandwich. I don’t know what a bacon stretcher is or does. It sounds kind of dumb, and all of these bacon-related activities result in me eating it so I wonder if all the bacon-related accessories are necessary or a waste of time when I could just bypass it all and proceed directly to eating the bacon and then move on with my life. I guess some things in this world aren’t questioning, and this is definitely one of them.

You thought I was done with bacon? Nope, there’s more. Bacon is a relatively easy item to hunt, but there are some variations, usually having to do with how much sodium is in it. For purposes of your hunt, you’ll want avoid low-sodium or reduced sodium because it takes away from the deliciousness of the bacon, and your taste buds are more important than your heart anyway. This isn’t the only obstacle you’ll be faced when buying your meat. Another common challenge you’ll encounter in the bacon aisle is which brand to buy. The most effective way to resolve this issue is to locate the most expensive brand, then shift your eyes a little and find the off-brand version next to that and just get that one. You’ll save a few bucks, and feel good about yourself because you shopped smart. You can donate those extra dollars to the Salvation Army guy jingling his bell on the way out, or to the next person who asks you for free money in exchange for nothing at all, which will happen three to four times before you even make it to your m-f’ing car.

Finally, be very careful when hunting for bacon because the anti-bacon hipster movements, which are a coalition faction of feminists and liberals, are now peddling turkey bacon, which is delicious in its own right, but should not be confused at all with actual bacon, and this is a source of considerable controversy in the bacon-consumption community. Speaking of stretch, other bacon-related controversies include whether or not two slabs of bacon of the same sex who love each other, should be allowed to marry. Same-sex bacon marriage supporters don’t perceive this as a two-sided argument, whereas the right-flank nutjobs are too ignorant and old to understand anything, much less the concept of love, but these two groups actually make up a very small minority of the entire population, who, according to every poll ever administered, couldn’t give less of a shit either way, and wish everyone would just shut up or start talking about ways to save the ice caps. I’m definitely in that third category.

Another fun animal to hunt is the cow. There are so many varieties of beef in the store: sirloin, ribs, rump, rib eye, t-bone, ground, prime rib, NY strip, thin rib, flank, and they’re all delicious, and vary in price. You’ll have to do some research yourself on the different kinds of beef, but once you narrow it down, hunting for the perfect piece can be a challenge, but there is a proven of method of selecting the best piece of meat in the store. The way I do it is to stand there for a while and watch someone methodically pick up the hunks of meat, inspect them, put them down, until they find the two best pieces, at which point they will select the best one, and leave the second best one. That’s when I swoop in and snatch that second one up. This method for choosing the best slab is time-consuming, as some losers will stand there for literally twenty minutes deciding which piece to get before choosing, so you’ll have to wait it out. Sometimes, these people end up choosing no piece at all, which to me is dumber than hunting itself. Always remember though, when using this hunting technique, that there is no shame in second best, and don’t worry about how they knew which piece of meat was better – if you want to spend your life honing the craft of picking out meat in the supermarket, go ahead; I’m going to spend mine not doing that. Fortunately for you, other animals, like the turkey, are easier to hunt.

When hunting for turkey, it’s important to remember that the turkey is more scared of you than you are of it, and usually it’s frozen – so be careful not to drop it on your foot, which can cause complications later in the day when you want to put your shoe back on. Like hunting deer in the woods, size matters when it comes to picking out a turkey. You want the biggest bird you can find or, if your family is small, the smallest one. If you’re a family of one, they sell a great little rotisserie one at walmart for like $5. Actually, I think it’s a chicken, but who cares as long it’s moist and hot. Plus, it’s cost effective. If you are going to go the little bird route, you may want to reexamine your life and look into getting yourself a family. The great thing about families is that if you don’t have one, you can just create your own, and this way you can buy a bigger, more interesting bird. If you are in the market for a bigger turkey, you should always make sure it says “butterball” on it. Butterball is the Kleenex of turkeys. I don’t know why, I’ve just got a good feeling about butterball, and the blue and yellow color scheme sticks resonates, but this isn’t about marketing, it’s about hunting.

While the hunt for the perfect is turkey is important, the real work is in its presentation. The difference between a good and bad turkey is its level of moistness, and it needs to be very moist. If the turkey comes out dry though, it’s not a big deal – all you need to do is throw it in the garbage and cook a new one, or lubricate it with some turkey rub or something. If you want to know what makes the turkey so moist, I have no idea – you’ll want to ask the woman who cooked it, she’ll probably have a clue. Cooking is one of those rare things in life about which the fairer sex can speak intelligently, and the best time to approach her is after everyone is done eating and she is working through the dishes, the reason being that it’s a relatively mindless activity and she can focus all of her attention on your stupid questions. One thing I do know about cooking these things from having watched enough times is that if you’ve never had your arm elbow-deep into a giant bird’s ass, but want to, then this a great opportunity for you. Nobody knows why the store puts the giblets back in bird after they’ve already detached and removed them, but they do. While I may not know how to cook the bird tastily, I do know how to eat it and am happy to advise a little bit on the subject, which I’ll do in the next paragraph.

By the time the turkey gets to you, it’s already cooked and sliced, so all you have to do is reach onto the plate with your fork, pick the one you like the most, and put it on your plate. It sounds simple, I know, but you’d be surprised. Take some time and think about it, but always try to be the first one to choose to ensure that you, and not some other jerk in the family, get the best piece. The most difficult part of this process is choosing between white and dark meat; I generally go for the white meat, but what makes hunting fun is one’s individual preference.

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