Baseball is a great game to play if you love standing around and doing nothing for long periods of time.  The games are literally endless, which is a shame because whenever I am watching a baseball game, the part I look most forward to is the end. 

If you’re a baseball player, the requirements for making it in the big leagues are minimal, unless you’re the pitcher or are exceptionally good at batting.  Some people have disagreed by arguing that the most important position in the sport is either first base or short-stop.  Obviously these people are wrong, because baseball is not a sport.  (note: neither is golf).

If you’re the pitcher, baseball is great, because your job is to throw a ball as hard as you can at someone else, which is awesome.  If you hit him, all he gets is a free trip to first base and so there’s no real incentive to aim anywhere except at his head or knee cap.  With the only punishment being a free base, and the occasional charging of the mound, it is difficult to pass up the opportunity to clip a dude on the other team in the back with a 90 mph fastball.  This is assuming you’re good at pitching; for me it’d be more like 35mph and there’s a high probability I would miss.  That’s okay though – “dust yourself off and try again.”  If, for some reason, the hitter does choose to charge the mound, it’s best to just run away like a baby and let your teammates handle it, or throw some more fastballs at him while he’s running towards you in hopes that you’re able to peg him in the head and knock him to the ground or, ideally, unconscious – the latter is known as a “home run.”  If you’re really good pitching, you could try and break every batter’s arm by hitting them in the elbow, which is good strategy because you would win by default since everyone on the opposing team would be injured ©.   I’m copywriting this idea that because I bet baseball analysts and players have never thought doing that, and so when they do, I want to get a check.

If you’re not the pitcher, baseball is a lot of standing around in the field doing nothing so if you enjoy doing that and getting paid a billion dollars an hour, or grew up on a farm, you might consider trying out for your local team.  Another reason people play baseball is to have their chance to hit the ball, which occurs once every three hours or so.  Batting gives you an opportunity to get revenge on the pitcher by hitting it directly back at him.  The odds of you hitting the pitcher are much lower than the odds of the pitcher hitting you, but if you do succeed at getting him with a “come-backer,” the payout is huge since the velocity at which the ball would be travelling when you connect it would significantly greater than when it’s coming at you, and could therefore do a lot more damage to him.  There’s a good chance that if you do it just right you will kill him, which in baseball is known as a “grand slam.”  Another good thing about batting is that it afford kids an opportunity to learn about taking turns, which will come in handy as an adult, for instance, while driving in rush hour traffic.  Studies* show that baseball players, because of their ability to occupy long periods of time doing nothing while waiting their turn, become great drivers.  So, next time you see someone driving like an asshole, you can almost guarantee that they weren’t a baseball player.  *No studies show that, I just made it up.

Another great thing about baseball is when the coaches get into a fight, and these hissy fits which are actually quite sexual in nature never get old.   I could watch them all day and be surprised by the outcome every time, despite the fact they always end the same – with the coach storming off the field.  Before retreating, the mad coach grabs a bag and throws it and kicks a little sand, before exiting the stadium and bursting into tears. The fight starts with a slow steady build up where the coaches disagree with a call the umpire made, and this prompts him to approach the umpire him on the field, shouting and waving his hands like an ape, until their lips are nearly touching.  They continue yelling at each other at the same time and getting angrier and angrier until the climax, which finally occurs when the umpire lifts up his mask and says the line “you’re outta here!”  He must say “you’re outta here” or it doesn’t count, and this is simple baseball fight protocol. 

Every time I watch one of these fights it gets me riled up, and I envision myself doing the same thing, usually in the grocery store or something. I imaging being in the checkout at the grocery store up in the cashier’s face over the price of an item or whether or not I have too many things for the 12 item limit at the express checkout, at which point store manager would come over and be like “you’re outta here!” Then I would walk out of the store, dropping a bag of oranges on the ground for me to kick, then throwing some of my cold cuts across before exiting to cheering storegoers as they wait in line at other registers and experiencing great and long-lasting shame.  Actually, when you think about it, these fights are lame.  I wish they were more like hockey fights… Come to think of it hockey fights are lame too, I wish those fights were more like MMA fights, except instead of having tapouts there were no tapouts and it was guaranteed there would be a death or you get your money back.  Now that’s old school.   

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